


Impossible to fight

by ca_te



Series: Slipping through time [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, M/M, Romance, spoilers: 4x11
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-13
Updated: 2011-12-13
Packaged: 2017-10-27 07:13:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/293085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ca_te/pseuds/ca_te
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Now Merlin knows how Arthur feels; it seems that there's nothing he could do to free himself, because everything feels so real.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Impossible to fight

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sequel to This Flame That Won't die (http://archiveofourown.org/works/290563)

_I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,_

 _But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,_

 _(Someone like you- Adele)_

 

After that morning he made a promise to himself; that he wouldn’t let hope grow where there was no earth for it to live; that he wouldn’t let himself go under Arthur’s touches.

But then he finds himself staring at Arthur when he sits at his desk, studying one document or the other; he spends nights awake when he sleeps in his own room and he knows…he knows that pieces of him have remained between Arthur’s fingers.

To hear that he is planning to marry some princess, turns him into a confused mess. He thought that there was no place left in Arthur’s heart, that all of it was devoted to Gwen. Maybe he was wrong, and it hurts more than it should. Because, even though it’s wrong and stupid, a small part of him has always wanted to believe that after Gwen he was dear to Arthur more than everyone else. He wishes it was because of pretentiousness, but he knows all too well that it is because of love- unrequited, silly, beautiful love.

Arthur keeps him by his side, though. At night he still asks him to stay; Merlin still spends nights wide awake, listening to his king’s regular breathing and wondering if he ever dreams about him.

Seeing Mithian laugh with him, rest her hand on his arm, where everyone could see, might leave a bitter taste at the back of his mouth.  At night, though, he is the one lying underneath Arthur. He is the one who get to memorise the way Arthur’s eyes get darker as he slides inside of him or the way his face looks when he comes.

After years spent by Arthur’s side, he can read the signs, though; the sadness that his friend keeps inside, the longing- they are all crystal clear to Merlin.

And that’s the reason why he goes to save her, because he knows that he’ll never be enough; because, even though it hurts, he wants nothing more than to see Arthur happy.

That faraway look that Arthur gets when he plays with her ring speaks louder than words and screams; Merlin almost wishes he could go back in time to prevent everything from happening, even though it would mean that he would never get to experience the feel of Arthur’s hands on him, the feel of Arthur’s heart beating in time with his own.

When Arthur asks him what he should do, Merlin almost wishes that he could be selfish enough to preserve his own shadow of happiness, but he can’t, not when Arthur looks so lost. His place is to be a good friend, a person on whom Arthur could rely; that’s why he tells him that he already knows what to do in his heart. When he closes the door of the king’s chamber behind his back, tears make his sight blur and magic makes his skin burn.

When Arthur tells the princess that his kingdom doesn’t mean anything to him if Gwen isn’t there, Merlin closes his eyes for an instant, the desire to shout that his _life_ wouldn’t have sense without Arthur overwhelming.

Then the princess is gone, Gwen isn’t back yet and all that remains are himself and Arthur; two sides of the same coin- and now Merlin sees the irony of that, because there’s no way two sides of the same coin can truly be with each other. They keep facing in opposing directions.

Yet, at night, when Arthur looks at him just that way, somewhere deep inside of him, Merlin knows that this too is r _eal_. Arthur’s hand cupping his jaw gently, Arthur’s lips kissing him goodnight and his arm snaking around him as he falls asleep; all of this is real, and it won’t be easy to let it go when Gwen will be back to stay.


End file.
